a very real update...

it's time to reflect. it's also time to give an update on my life. it's time to tell you where i am at and where i am going and what i have been doing. it's time to come clean.

i turned 31 years old yesterday. to be honest, i never really expected to live this long so far. it's true. i always thought that i would have crashed and burned in the urban oasis of boston back some years ago. like a cockroach, i survived the atomic strike on my life and came out the other end shaking the fallout from off my collar.

i stayed in new jersey for some time before coming to florida. i was a fool for coming, but i had to give it a shot. it was for a girl with eyes that pierced my heart and i wanted my soul to be near them. it wasn't to be, but i gave myself this idea that i would stay. to finish something that i started. being here for so long now, i don't know what i started. i tell people that i am going back to school. it's been three years.

right now, i am sitting in an apartment in bradenton, florida writing this to tell people that i have no idea what the hell happened. i mean, i know what took place, but it all happened so fast. one minute, i am moving into a new apartment in florida and then next minute, i am staring down the barrel of an eviction that is soon to take place because i don't have 200 dollars to my name. at 31.

this apartment is not much at all really, but it is a roof over my head. today i got into a screaming match with my landlord because she told me not to bother her with non-emergencies after 10pm. my electric went out in my apartment two nights ago and i text messaged her to ask her to hit the circuit breaker that was located in her closed garage. i didn't fall asleep in the florida heat that night until four in the morning.

i also complained to her that my dishwasher didn't work and that i didn't enjoy the two inch palmetto cockroaches that i would see climb up my wall, but that was in one ear and out the other i presume. she complained to me that i didn't have a job. i shouted back that it wasn't my plan to get a new apartment and lose my job two days after moving in. she told me that she didn't want to support me and that she specifically wanted someone that worked so that the a/c wouldn't run during the day.

it's not so much that it is a bad situation, but more that i know i am better than it. the one thing that i know is free is my breath. i will always have that. i have always thought that my words could never be taken away from me either, and they cannot, but my eyes are the only ones that have seen what i have seen and know what i have done.

when i wake up tomorrow, i am going to go to work. i'm going to help drive cars for my father. i remember when i was 17 and arrived in boston and felt the city and the potential. that was 14 years ago. i have more to give than this. maybe florida isn't the answer.

i mean do i really want to finish what i have started here?