a pocketful of danger

sitting in the parking lot with my high beams on.  got a pocket full of danger and nowhere to go.  i think i will head on over to wherever and do want i want.  boy, it's late.  i need to find a place to sleep tonight.  i have to get up for work in the morning.  what a crappy job anyway.  maybe i will just find another one after i lose this one because i'm not going.  i got this pocket full of danger and nowhere to go.

sometimes i play the music really loud and sometimes i play it just loud enough to sing along to because i know i sound good, but i want to reassure myself.  sometimes i put the windows down because i know the people that have their windows down would love to hear what i have on in my world.  i will turn it up at a red light.  i will play the steering wheel like a guitar, or a piano, or a trumpet just so you know that i know the song like the back of my hand.  i don't know how to play any instruments.  when the green light hits, i leave your sight and i put my windows back up because it's cold.

i put my pocket full of danger into the cup holder now and i drive around aimlessly.  i thought i knew where to go, but i was lying to myself again.  the only place i can go to is home, and i can't go there yet.  i have driving to do.  i better make sure i don't break the speed limit.  i am in a 40 mile an hour zone.  i will set my cruise control to 41 and just maneuver the wheel.  i gotta take back roads.  i am on the back roads.  i need to get on the highway.  i am on the highway.  i gotta get on the back roads.  i gotta get on the highway.  i have to go north.  i have to go south.  i need to go over the bridge.  i gotta get back home.  it's not late enough yet.  it's too early.

text messaging is an amazing invention.  it makes it easier for me to bother you.  what i need to tell you is perfectly reasonable right now.  i know you will appreciate what i have to say.  it's only 3am and it's worth it.  why won't you respond?  i will send you another one.  maybe i should apologize.  i will send an apology.  i will write you again.  i will profess my love.  you will respond to that.  i will text and drive.  my pocket full of danger is still beside me.  i need you to answer me.  i will try again.  i will try again.  i will try again.  it's 4am and you aren't around.  i will try again tomorrow.  i gotta get home.  no i don't.  i need gas.

maybe if i get home now though i can sleep for 3 hours and make it.  that's what i will do.  i am going to go home.  i can look for another job while i have this one and that makes more sense.  my pocket full of danger is empty tonight and i'm in need of sleep.  i am 40 minutes from home now.  i don't know where i am, but i will take this road this way and see where the next light says i am.  wow, i am here.  i will get home in a little bit.  then, i will hit the bed.

i tear off my clothes and jump into bed.  the first itch hits my leg.  an itch on my arm.  i hear buzzing in my ear.  buzzing on my bed.  i see a bug on my arm.  it runs to the other side of my arm and i turn my arm to catch it, but i can't find it now.  they crawl up my leg and tickle my knees.  i run to the bathroom and turn my back to look at it in the mirror because i feel them all over.  it buzzes in my ear and i flinch.  i jump in the shower because that will wash off what i can't see.  i dry off and it starts again.  i tip-toe my way into bed.

my mouth is dry and i try to take a sip from my water.  it feels like my teeth will shatter when i try to swallow.  my teeth feel so brittle.  i feel like my tongue is going to push them out of their roots.  i will wake up with no teeth.  what will i tell my family when they see me with no front teeth?  i need to sleep.  i roll over.  i roll over.  i roll over.  i roll over.  i take a sip of water.  i itch.  i roll over.  over.  over.  itch.  swallow.  itch.  over.  hot now.  i will turn the air conditioning lower.  tip-toe back to bed and get back in.  i look at my watch and i see that i have to get up in forty minutes.  i will set my alarm for thirty minutes and that will give me time to get ready, or hit the snooze button once.

i wake up 7 hours later.  i missed work.  i am fired.  i have missed calls from my parents.  what will i say?  i remember my texts.  oh no.  how would i explain that?  i am broke too.  where would i get more money without a job now?  meltdown.  breakdown.  i like to just pull the covers over my head when this happens and go back to sleep.  there is a knock at the door.  family came to check on me.  oh boy.  i feel like shit and don't want to deal with them.

i'm glad they dealt with me though.

trips through insanity happen over and over if we don't recognize it.  i'm happy where i am today.  i drive my car during the day to specific places.  i have a pocketful of hope.  i still put my windows down at red lights.