history repeating...for who?

history can't repeat what it hasn't even witnessed.  history can only be studied when there is actual facts to go off of.  history isn't a judgement of what could potentially happen in the future when based off of fear.  history is pretty straight forward.  history is repeating itself as we speak...

let's take a look.

once, there was a girl.  she was a very pretty girl.  she had the world at her fingertips and she wanted to do all that she could to make a difference in the world and in the lives of others.  she was also very smart.  she went to a really good school in the big city and had it made.  or, so it would seem.

growing up as a child, this girl grew up in a family with a brother and sister and she was quite different from them.  she was often teased that she was not even a part of the family and this girl even questioned this as an adult.  she was taller and had a different nose and complexion from the others and that fueled her sense of being an outcast in her own family. 

and then there was dad.  what a man.  what a great example on how not to treat your children.  he was an abusive mess that squandered money and treated his children like crap.  the abuse that he spewed upon his children struck the girl at the very core and imprinted the girl with the image of what a man should be.  she carried this into adulthood.

she would pick guys to be in her life that imitated how her father treated her growing up and she would breakup and get back together constantly with these men that treated her like crap.  they would get drunk and they would yell.  they would talk down to her and they would make her feel like she wasn't worth anything that was worthwhile.  she was a flower that had bloomed in the beginning of spring, but a flower that was so beautiful and yet placed in a closet, in a basement, and never showcased by those that she cared about.  she was placed in these places to wither up and just get by on the occasional good word or two that would be given to her.

and she almost gave up at different points.  she spent time in hospitals and she lost her way here and there.  she ran to other places to start over and she travelled to forget the past.  she tried therapy because she could see what she was going through was killing her and she wanted to find a new way to live.  she never stayed in therapy for very long though.  it's tough to face the past, especially when she thought she had the answers and knew which way to turn next.  controlling her own life, she moved on.

and she met a new guy.  he was a nice guy she thought.  he worked out and had a nice smile.  he treats me nice and means well.  he just gets angry every once in awhile when he drinks, but he's working on it.  he'll be okay.  i love this man that has yelled at me for no good reason in the past.  that is behind him now.  i know it.  i'm so good, he will change his ways with me. 

there was a guy too that was a really good friend of this girl.  she and him shared all their secrets about the past to one another and told each other how they truly felt at any given time.  sure he liked her, loved her even.  they shared a kiss one time in the very beginning of knowing one another.  he tried on multiple occasions to start a relationship with this girl.  he wanted to treat her the way that she should be treated.  he knew she was special.  he could talk to her about anything and could laugh with her about the world.  at the same time, he could enjoy his time with her without having the relationship and looked forward to chatting with her whenever it happened.

he looked forward to her on a daily basis because he felt alone in the world.  he was going through his own things too and one night he started to plan the end of it all.  he reached out to her and she helped him through this time of trouble like he had in the past for her.  they always looked out for each other.  she asked him to come and stay with her for awhile to get away from his problems for a bit.  he went to his family and they agreed that it would be a good idea. 

she told him that she was not with her man anymore when she originally told him to stay with her, but that they were working things out.  this is the guy that was treating her poorly before, but she thought that he was really trying and she wanted to work things out.  she ultimately decided that the guy she had shared so much with throughout the years shouldn't come because he would obviously want to be looking for a relationship again and she didn't think that would be fair for the ex that she wanted to reconcile with.  she cited the fact that history repeats and she doesn't want that to happen. 

and now she is back together with him.  just like how she got back together with the boyfriends of the past.  she sees that he has really tried hard to change his entire way of being in the last couple months and that he is going to be on the straight and narrow now.  history surely doesn't repeat for people like him, or like her.  she isn't trying to find someone like her dad.  she isn't living over and over again with a relationship where the guy treats her like shit.  no, no.  that isn't repeating.  no, what is repeating is that this damn guy i have known for so long, who actually cares about me and has never treated me like crap keeps saying that he wants me as a girlfriend.  what nerve!  i got this guy right now who treats me like shit occasionally, but he is turning it around.  you'll see.  i will fix this relationship because i owe it to myself because i couldn't do it with my father.  that's what i am gonna do.  i won't just accept someone who cares about me and that's it.  that would be too easy.  i don't deserve that.

things may be good now, but she believes that history repeats.  her friend hopes she is prepared then for what she has done to herself again.  it's gonna happen.  it may not be now, next week, or next month...but, it's going to happen.  she says so herself.  and then what?  who's next?  who can fix her? 

as the sun sets

he grabbed his iced tea and walked out onto the porch.  sitting down in the fading sun, he heard the voices of crickets in the fields around him.  the rocking chair creaked as he started to sway.  he had surely seen his fair share of sunsets.  grey now, his hair had receded back from it's once youthful abundance.  his face and hands were seasoned and wrinkled from a life spent living and working like anybody else.  he took a sip of his drink as kids rode by his rancher on the dirt road that his house sat next to.  he waved and smiled into the sky.

oh, to be young again he thought to himself.  to be able to do it all over again!  how he wished for those days again when he could carry maggie lee's books home from school.  he remembered his first car and taking it downtown the first chance he could to show it off to his friends.  he was so athletic back then.  picturing himself running down the field during high school football games and hearing the crowd scream as he crossed the goal line  he closed his eyes and relished in the memories.  he opened his eyes and looked all around him.

and there was nothing around him.  his house was out in the middle of nowhere with about a mile in between houses.  his wife, nicole, passed away from cancer about four years earlier and he was now just waiting for his time.  he thought of his time left on earth as a precursor to his time to come in heaven.  he questioned the lord for a time about why he took his beloved first, but that time had come and gone now.  he knew that the things in life happened for a reason and he would just relax his soul in his final days of life.

yes, he took a sip from his perspiring glass and brushed the drops off his shirt that fell from the bottom of the glass.  he wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and let out a sigh.  the sun was coming down the sky now at a good pace and he anticipated the color show to pick up at any moment as the ball of fire made it's way toward the tree line in the distance.

it reminded him of his days as a truck driver.  he would take his loads across the entire nation and he sat back in his chair and rocked away while thinking of all the magnificent sunsets he had witnessed.  all the colors he had seen painted across the most beautiful canvas ever created.  the pinks and oranges mixing with purples and blues set his mind into utter awe as he kept his motor cruising down the highway into the unknown.  driving was a time of peace for him when he was out on the open road with nobody around.  he was fine being by himself for long stretches of time.  he remembered how he used to sing out loud in his cab while the sounds of the day filtered through his ears.  oh, how that brought a smile to his face.

he remembered that feeling he had as he walked back through the door, of the very home he sat in front of now, to see nicole turn from prepping dinner in the kitchen and how she would run to him and kiss his lips.  it was the best reward for a job well done he could ever had asked for and she gave that gift to him every time he came back home to her.  she was all that he could ever had hoped for in life.  she had a smile that only god could have provided him.  she was a dedication from god to him.  how he missed her.  he kept her voice running in his head all day long now.  he longed to hear her yell to him that dinner would be ready soon and could he set the table.  one day soon it would be again he thought.

he gazed off into the distance.  he practically was looking through the distance now and into what was to be.  he was content with his life.  he didn't do much to improve the world, but the people around him improved his life and he liked to think that he helped the people he knew as much as he could.  he raised a good family and his children were parents now themselves doing the best they could for their own.  this put a smile on his face.  what more could he have asked for?  by no means was he rich monetarily, but his life had been a landslide of royalties that made him the richest man in the world.

he had loved.  he was loved.  he appreciated.  he was appreciated. 

now, as the sun set underneath the horizon, he got up slowly from his chair out on the porch and stretched his back and arms.  he turned towards the door and made his way.  he turned the knob and pushed it open.  he heard his kids scream daddy with huge smiles on their faces as they ran to him.  he picked them up.  one in each arm and kissed them on their heads as the dog barked and wagged his tail frantically beside them.  his wife peeked around the corner and walked up to him with a smirk on her face.  he set the kids down and took his best friend in the whole world into his arms as she welcomed him home.

What Are Your Demands?

Today was my first public demonstration. I, like many others, have felt that my government has failed me. I am not too sure if it ever was succeeding for me in the first place. Sure, I have had an education given to me through high school and I live in a free country that gives me the ability to write what I am about to write, but I feel that the ability to grow and to become successful in our current environment is hard at best. That is why I believe in the Occupy Together movement and stand in solidarity with those around the country in Occupy demonstrations. This morning, I had to become a part of the solution as opposed to just complaining about the problems.

I walked up to the park in front of the Selby Library at 9:30am to find a group already assembled and we talked one at a time to each other about what we were so against. It was a group of about fifty or so and the people came from all facets of life. There was young, old, rich, and poor. We all came from different angles of the social spectrum, but we all had a common voice. That voice spoke out to the fact that there is something fundamentally wrong with America, we have little say right now in how things are being handled, and that we wanted to find a way to empower ourselves again. After we all greeted each other, we took to the streets with our signs and our voices.

And we marched. We took our voices up and down Main St. We parked our campaign in front of major banking institutions like Bank of America and Suntrust Bank. As we walked and chanted slogans like, "WHO GOT BAILED OUT? BANKS GOT BAILED OUT! WHO GOT SOLD OUT? WE GOT SOLD OUT!", people not involved with the protests looked on in the beautiful Florida sunshine. Others in cars and trucks that drove by put there windows down to hear what we were saying. Most of the people that went by gave us the thumbs up, or smiled, and others honked their horns as they drove by. And yes, a handful of people yelled back at us to get a job, or that they disagreed and that we should go home. All of these were acceptable answers to us because even if you were displeased with what we were saying, our message was getting out there to the masses and that message would stick in the minds of those that saw and heard it.

We made our way back to the park around 12:30pm and we gathered to chat to passerby's who had questions for us. A lot of the people that had questions about our movement had similar questions and seemed to have been misinformed by the media as to what we were doing out there. Someone that I was talking to made it seem like the only goal of our operation was that we were looking for some kind of handout from the rich. This is far from the truth.

I can tell you what I was there for, and what a lot of others there would agree with. The government is corrupted by corporations. The corporations run today by the 1% of our nation have a stranglehold on our entire country and all that inhabit it. My goal in my life is to see that corporations are no longer allowed to be viewed in this country as a person and should not be allowed to donate a single penny to any political campaign or party. Politicians in this country are bought figures who do only as the corporations say for them to do. This country is for the people, not for the business of the elite. Politicians are put into office to represent the people and to accurately judge what the majority of people in their district want so that their lives become better. It is not to institute zero regulations on major businesses and help them to create a monopoly over the lives of the American public. Maybe if we instituted campaign finance reform to eliminate businesses from being able to influence politicians, and also create term limits for Congress, we can start on a road to what the people need again.

I read earlier in the week that the average politician is worth half a million dollars. Half a million dollars. How on Earth can someone who is worth that kind of money, who spends all their time in Washington D.C. know what it is like to be poor? To have debt up to their ears from college loans, or unethical credit card companies? To have to drive to work and have a job, if they are lucky, which has paid them the same wage over the past 5 years or so, while in that time span the average income for those in the 1% has gone up over 200%? Politicians don't know what it's like, and they don't care. What they are worried about is staying in power and continuing to stay in power and doing whatever it takes and shake whatever hand is necessary in order to maintain the status quo. Politicians in office today are parasites and they feed off the poorest of Americans, which is turning out to be more and more everyday, the 99%. Me and you.

People asked us, "What do you want? What are you goals? How do you plan on fixing all this?" It is a hard question to answer as we are in such a stage of infancy of this movement that the conclusions are unclear. What I can tell you is that this movement is not going away. Eventually, a consensus as to what actions need to take place will be made, but for now, voicing our concerns and our unhappiness will have to do. This displeasure is popping up more and more everyday all across the country from major cities like New York City to smaller cities like here in Sarasota. The goals of the movement are simply to affect change and to bring about social reform where the rights of all people are taken into account based on our Constitution and not based on the boardroom of a company out for itself and it's top shareholders. We are hear right now to let it be known that this is not going to take place on our watch anymore and that something has to give. And we can do it. And we will do it. There are more of us than them and all corrupt empires fall. We represent all of those that are oppressed: unemployed, employed, black, white, red, brown, teachers, policemen, firemen, small business owners. Anyone who has felt the backhand of our government over the past few decades. It is time to wake up and we are ready to go.

I had an extremely educational day. I have learned that for the most part, the media has gotten this wrong. There is no savagery. There is no unsanitary conditions. This was a peaceful day that promoted a message that we are all Americans and that as Americans we need to look out for each other because if you really think that the ones that we elected have our best interests in mind then you need to look up the word naive in the dictionary.

Finally, I heard many great things on my walk around Sarasota today, but one of the best things that I heard was when someone I was protesting with was asked what his demands were. He replied, "I am not a terrorist. I have no demands."

We are seeking true freedom and a true democracy in a peaceful manner.

sitting, waiting in the grass

in a tiny town, in a big state, there sat some land in a faraway place. it was a little off the beaten path, but not to far from the cars that buzz by the highway a mile or so away. on this plot of land, sat a place of commerce. it was a building that stood like an old blues man sitting on a stool. a little slanted to one side, but still kept living strong. the land sported patches of grass, but mostly dirt, which whipped up into little vortexes everyone now and then when the spirits moved through.

behind the building was a cemetery of sorts. it was filled with cars and trucks. this was a junkyard. this is where cars were brought to die. this is where they were brought when everyone had given up on them. they sat there in the back of the yard. they sat there and waited for their guts to be removed one by one until there was nothing left but just a shell of what they used to be. they sat there dented and damaged from the past. they sat there and remembered what it had been like long ago.

one car in particular yearned for the way it was. he remembered when he sat in the showroom brand new, ready to take on the rigors of life. he harked on the moment that he saw his first owners come in and take him out of the dealership, no longer alone, but with his new family. he took them wherever they wanted to go. they went on trips out of state and he brought them to work everyday. he was always there for them and they appreciated him and took care of him in return. he welcomed the addition to their family and gladly took care of it as best he could. after a few years though, that family grew apart from each other and the wife went away with the child. the husband could no longer enjoy him like he had before as it reminded him of the past and so one day he brought the car to a used car dealership and just traded him away for another car. it was over and he was back where he started, waiting for someone new to come along. waiting to make someone happy again.

and that time came after a month or two. the owner came in and said they just needed something to get around in. the car knew that he was no longer new, but knew that he could make this man happy. they drove off together and he was neglected from the very start. the man paid no attention to him. he talked all the time on his phone and slammed on the accelerator and the brakes all the time. the man would not change his oil on time and he got into fender benders here and there and wouldn't fix the car. the vehicle wished for the past, but knew that the past was just a memory. the future was the only thing left.

one day, in a blink of an eye, an older woman came by the house where the car was parked and she drove away with the car, who was now 11 years old. his insides knocked and he needed new tires and the woman did all she could to rejuvenate the car, but it was no use. the car tried all it could to get her to where she wanted to go, and understood her attempts at saving him, but she didn't have the money for the parts that he needed. one day, as he was taking her to work, he broke down on the side of the highway and she got out and walked away from him. later, he was picked up by a tow truck and was taken to where he sits today.

the grass was growing up around his tires and the rain was just collecting on his roof. the car looked around at the carcasses that sat scattered around him and he wept inside for another shot. another chance. he could make someone happy again. he just needed to be cared for in return. he could be what he used to be if he was believed in by someone, anyone. so far, nothing of his had been parted out for sale and he just hoped that someone would need him.

and one day it happened. a kid came into the backyard and saw him. he remembered the cars from when they came out with this body style years ago and appreciated it and wanted it. he just wanted to see if the engine would still turn over. if he could drive it the short distance to his home, so that he could fix him up, he would keep him. the car was nervous. he wanted nothing more than to start just one more time so that he could leave this place he was brought to die to. the kid sat in the driver seat and took the keys from the worker and put it in the ignition.

he turned the key and the car tried to breathe again, like before. it chugged and chugged and tried with all his might to turn over just one more time and get out of that place. just one more time, it thought. you can do it...you can do this. believe you can. and he clenched and shimmied and turned over his engine into an engulfing roar of victory! he did it! he was ready to go with the kid who had a delightful grin on his face.

of course the ride back home was a grueling one with aches and pains of the past, but the car focused on the future. he was ready to be fixed up and helped along by the ones that loved him. he was ready to make a difference to someone again. he was ready to be meaningful again...

and he was so grateful.

sorry isn't a big enough word

i need to say i'm sorry, but i keep looking for the words that you will hear from me that could make a difference. i know i messed up miserably and if i can just get one more chance from you, i would make a difference in it all. i know that you don't want to hear from me right now. i know that i am not what people say you need at all in your life.

all i wish for is just one chance to show you and to show them all the truth. i have lied to you about this and that. i have lied and done things behind your back. i just want for you to see that that isn't me. i am sorry that i hurt you so bad. i am sorry that you never even want to turn back and see my face again. i know that what i did was wrong, over and over again i said things that just weren't true. i know that if i got just one more shot, just one more chance, i can make you happy and make you laugh. from the time that i get up until the sky goes black, i think of how i can get you back. i don't think that the chances exist, but i have to hold on to the possibility it can.

when we weren't hanging out i did something i regret. i just didn't want you to know that it went down the way it did. i just want to take this moment to say how sorry i am. the decision to not tell you right away has driven you so far away from me and i don't know what to do, but i wish that we could talk for a minute or two. i am just wishing for that shot.

sitting in the bar just the other day, i gave you my things so that i'd be okay. you helped me out with a hug and said it'd be okay. knowing right now that i will never see your face again, or hear your laugh, it destroys my soul in ways that can't be imagined. i know what i did was wrong, but i can't go back and change the past. all that i can do is prove to you that i am not that man. i am not that man i swear. my days and nights since that friday night have been filled with meetings and your glowing face and i just don't know what to do anymore because i don't have your soul to bounce things off of my mind. i wish that i could turn back time. i wish for one last chance to show you what i am inside.

i am not this cloud of deception and lies. i may not show it all the time, but i can make you happy in your life. i just need to do the things that will make me grow. i need to make sure that i do things right. if my word is my bond, i have made a joke of my life. i just want to tell the world what's in my heart. i am a liar and a thief of the heart. i know i hurt you really bad and i am sorry.

i don't want to ever hurt you again. if we never talk again i understand, but i just wish for one more chance to prove to you that i can beat this thing in my life that tries to control me in my mind. i have found god again and he is going to lead me to the light. i just wish that you can find it deep inside to let me in your life. the regret that i have has filled me up and the blame that i have is on fire inside. it is so hard not to hear anything you say, i wish all of the past went away. i wish that you could see me from this point on and know that i'm a good man, but right now i'm not and i can't go back and it hurts me, but that is life.

i understand if you never give me another hello. i just hope that this isn't goodbye.

i am so sorry. please give me another shot.

no, no...after you.

he put on his pajamas and grabbed his alarm clock from the nightstand, setting it to his usual time. climbing into bed, he prayed that tomorrow would be better and then he shut his eyes and fell asleep.

he awoke to the blare of a ac/dc tune and he jumped out of bed with a great smile on his face. he went into the bathroom and did all the usual bathroom morning things, ate breakfast and walked out the door. he skipped down the stairs of his apartment complex and got to the front door. he noticed an older gentleman who was coming inside from the snow and he decided to do his first good deed of the day and hold open the door for this gingerly fellow. the old man didn't look up, or even say a word, as he slid by the open door and went on his way toward his home.

he made his own way outside and toward his car in the parking lot on the side of the building. he climbed in and turned on the defroster and waited for the ice to melt on his windshield a little bit before he could scrape off the ice. next to him, he noticed a woman who was trying to use her credit card to deice her car, so he walked over and tried to give her a hand. she told him to please back away from the car, and that everything was fine. he turned around, got back to his car, scraped away the night air, and got in his car to go to work.

driving along the freeway, the traffic was pretty heavy. he didn't have very many miles to drive on it, so he stuck himself in the right lane and went on his way, listening to guster on the radio. while tapping his fingers to the beat of the bongo player, he noticed that his exit was coming up, but traffic was thick for the other drivers who needed to get over. he noticed a blue sedan to his left with the blinker on, and so he slowed down to let the person make their exit. as the blue car driver made his way into the lane, he noticed that he had his hand up and his middle finger extended back towards him.

he sat down at his desk a few minutes early, and noticed that nobody had made coffee yet. not being a coffee drinker himself, he got up and walked over to the station and decided to give it a whirl and let other people have coffee right away as they came in from the cold. after the pot was done brewing, people started to shuffle in from outside and grabbing cups to fill with the morning brew. they didn't ask how it got there, or who made it. a few of the people made funny faces after taking a sip and throwing the cups away, complaining about the taste. some of them just took the coffee and walked away, going about their day as if the shit magically made itself.

after work, he got in his car and went to the supermarket. he noticed a homeless man outside and was asked for any spare change. he told the guy that he might be able to spare what he could after he bought something. he went inside and corralled some things in his basket and walked up to the only person working a register just as another person walked up as well. as the person ahead of them grabbed their bags and walked away, the woman next to him didn't look or say a word and proceeded to go next with the cashier. he bit his lip and allowed it.

he paid for his few items and received 37 cents change. he collected his bags and walked out the automatic exit doors to see the homeless man still waiting there with the hopes of some money. he put down his bags and dug into his pocket and gave him the 37 cents. the homeless man took the change and looked at it with disappointment and asked him for more. he told him that he couldn't do anything with 37 cents. he apologized and said that that was all he had to spare.

he went home and cooked his food. he watched tv alone. he did the dishes from dinner, took a shower, and walked into his bedroom. he put on his pajamas, set his alarm, and got into bed.

he sat in his bed with his eyes open in the dark. he shoved the sheets off of his body and got out of bed. he stammered over to his window and slid it open. he took a deep breath and yelled outside as loud as he could:

"YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME!!!"

a very real update...

it's time to reflect. it's also time to give an update on my life. it's time to tell you where i am at and where i am going and what i have been doing. it's time to come clean.

i turned 31 years old yesterday. to be honest, i never really expected to live this long so far. it's true. i always thought that i would have crashed and burned in the urban oasis of boston back some years ago. like a cockroach, i survived the atomic strike on my life and came out the other end shaking the fallout from off my collar.

i stayed in new jersey for some time before coming to florida. i was a fool for coming, but i had to give it a shot. it was for a girl with eyes that pierced my heart and i wanted my soul to be near them. it wasn't to be, but i gave myself this idea that i would stay. to finish something that i started. being here for so long now, i don't know what i started. i tell people that i am going back to school. it's been three years.

right now, i am sitting in an apartment in bradenton, florida writing this to tell people that i have no idea what the hell happened. i mean, i know what took place, but it all happened so fast. one minute, i am moving into a new apartment in florida and then next minute, i am staring down the barrel of an eviction that is soon to take place because i don't have 200 dollars to my name. at 31.

this apartment is not much at all really, but it is a roof over my head. today i got into a screaming match with my landlord because she told me not to bother her with non-emergencies after 10pm. my electric went out in my apartment two nights ago and i text messaged her to ask her to hit the circuit breaker that was located in her closed garage. i didn't fall asleep in the florida heat that night until four in the morning.

i also complained to her that my dishwasher didn't work and that i didn't enjoy the two inch palmetto cockroaches that i would see climb up my wall, but that was in one ear and out the other i presume. she complained to me that i didn't have a job. i shouted back that it wasn't my plan to get a new apartment and lose my job two days after moving in. she told me that she didn't want to support me and that she specifically wanted someone that worked so that the a/c wouldn't run during the day.

it's not so much that it is a bad situation, but more that i know i am better than it. the one thing that i know is free is my breath. i will always have that. i have always thought that my words could never be taken away from me either, and they cannot, but my eyes are the only ones that have seen what i have seen and know what i have done.

when i wake up tomorrow, i am going to go to work. i'm going to help drive cars for my father. i remember when i was 17 and arrived in boston and felt the city and the potential. that was 14 years ago. i have more to give than this. maybe florida isn't the answer.

i mean do i really want to finish what i have started here?